2009 in Review

Taken from Facebook.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
I modeled nude for photographers and artists.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't have any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Naraya and Charity's bundles of joy!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Tony Falcone. He was one of my favorite people as a child. I just wish I had gotten a chance to see him before he died.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Money, but that's more for survival than for splurging purposes.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory,and why?
2/27/09 - The day I got laid off

10/8/09 - First time I had sex

10/30-10/31 - My time with SH

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally having sex!

9. What was your biggest failure?

Thinking that I'd survive at my 9-5. It was so toxic that it was about to destroy my soul.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fortunately, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My makeup.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mentor for opening her studio!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Republicans. Ben Nelson.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Belly dancing, makeup artistry, tarot, my spiritual journey

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
"Little Things" by Martyn. It's a musical reflection of my change

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier, I may have lost my job, but I found myself
b) thinner or fatter? Same, if not a little fatter
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, downside of losing a job

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Networking

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying and obsessing

20. How will you be spending New Years?
I will be dancing at CoSM, and then probably heading to Disorient's After Party

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I've always been in love with dance. I don't know of what I feel for SH. Don't know if it's sheer physical chemistry or if my soul has found her other half.

22. How many one-night stands?
Two. I'm a bad girl. :-)

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Intervention, Hoarders, Jersey Shore, Tough Love

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
Eastern Body Western Mind by Anodea Judith

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Dubstep, although I was into that since 2007.

27. What did you want and get?
To free myself from a bad environment, and I got laid off.

28. What did you want and not get?
A boyfriend.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
I didn't have any. I didn't see a lot of movies.

30. What did you do on your birthday?
I performed at Je'Bon on the Wednesday before, my actual birthday was low key.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Money

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
The concept of bras puzzles me to this day. I don't wear them anymore.

33. What kept you sane?
Dance, meditation, makeup, and my friends!

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None really

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Healthcare - my first concern once I lost my job

36. Who did you miss?
SH

37. Who was the best new person you met?
James Vincent, Michael DeVellis, Christine Millan, and of course SH

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
I learned about how to be resilient. The universe will throw some wrenches, but it's up to you to make those wrenches into an opportunity. I've also learned that everyone I have encountered is meant to teach me a very valuable lesson. J taught me that I can let go and do what I want. SH taught me that I can be a desirable woman and that I can/should be wanted. Every photographer I've modeled for taught me to own my body and be comfortable with it. My mentor taught me to truly tap into that place of vulnerability. Magic can happen.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
The stuff that I listen to doesn't have lyrics, so I have to say "Direct" by Ikonika sums up my year.

Runes

I had one of my students do a Rune reading for me, and it was on a whole very positive and very in-depth about what has been going on in my life. One of the things that is especially true is that there's some sort of blockage that keeps me from moving forward. What that blockage is, I'm not sure. However, there is something that I do need to come to terms with myself. Unfortunately, I won't be able to tell him this, but whatever.

The reason why I broke up with M three years ago was because of the fact that I don't find him sexually attractive at all. I looked back to when I was with him and he would kiss me at Port Authority while waiting for the bus to take him home. All I wanted to do was push him off of me, and go home. There was just nothing there. I thought about the prospect of sleeping with him, and I didn't have a good feeling about it. That was just the way it was. Yes, he liked the same things I did, but if there's no passion there, what's the point? Why pretend to be into something that I'm not? It was better to have ended things than to make myself unhappy by staying.

I can't help it, but I miss SH. I think about him quite a bit, mostly about the fact that I should have stayed with him that night. I think I would've been more content sleeping in his arms than trekking all the way out to Bushwick. That is my one regret of that experience. I don't know if that was the one and only time or if we'll see each other again, but I'm so happy that we gave ourselves to each other that night. I'm so happy that we had this powerful connection that we couldn't deny and that we acted on it. I do hope that I'll be able to see him again. Still, it was better to experience a brief period of bliss with him than go a lifetime without it.

I knew that there was something different when I was dancing that night. A different kind of energy was radiating through me. It was my feminine power, brought forth by Bastet. I know what K meant whenever she called me a Cat Goddess.

It's only been two days since I've started meditating, but I've felt such a significant change. I feel the energy coursing through every inch of my body, radiating out through my fingers. I think I'm beginning on my true path for spiritual growth. I have set on the course. I look forward to what is to come.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...

I let my neurotic-ism get the better of me, and I did something so crazy and off the wall that I can't believe I actually went through with it. I wanted to find out more about SH, so I did it... All I really wanted to find out was his full name. Don't need to know where he lives or anything like that. Just his name. Still, that doesn't make what I did okay. I can't believe I just went and did something so stupid. Talk about some self-sabotage there. The difficulty for me is that I just can't let the sleeping dogs lie. I can't just enjoy the weekend together for what it was. An amazing shooting star. Beautiful in the time that it happened, but far too brief.

I'm sorry, SH! I'm so sorry!

Insert SH...

I am really believing more and more that the path I have taken in the past month was a path that I was meant to lead. Everything that has happened has led me to SH. That man is unbelievable. Absolutely incredible, and I wish he was here a little bit longer. Alas, he is on a flight back to San Diego.

We crossed paths at Rebel Friday night, as I was dancing the night away. There he was in a cute bear costume with an afro and sunglasses. He decided to come out because he knew that Disorient was a part of the Burning Man scene, and he was a Burner. I came out because I needed to dance and just go a little crazy. I had gone up to dance on stage, and all of a sudden there are a whole bunch of guys who wanted to be around me. But it was SH who caught my eye. He started dancing with me, and next thing you know, he had me pinned against a bar and we could barely keep our hands off each other. He had his hands in my hair, pulling my head back with that roughness that I like. It was like he knew what I wanted without even saying it. Director was worried that I was impaired and that he was taking advantage, but he definitely wasn't. Everything he did, I wanted. He has such amazing lips. I loved kissing him. We definitely wanted to see each other again. We didn't want that to be it, especially with the way we were teasing each other.

Last night was sheer bliss. Such an amazing night with him. We met up by Times Square, and then decided to skip the parade to go back to his hotel room. It was absolutely mind blowing. He was amazing. Just so beautiful. I loved feeling him on top of me, under me, inside me... I loved feeling his sweat on me, his hands in my hair, his lips on me, his mark on me. Every second of it was fantastic. I must be using every single adjective under the sun to describe it, but that's how it was. And he's so adorable and sweet. Some of my favorite moments were when we were just cuddling in bed, and I could feel his fingers trailing down by body or he'd brush my hair away from my face. It was such a sweet and blissful moment. At that point, I would've forgotten all about the Danger party and just stayed the night. Then of course, I'm getting ready, putting my hair back into place, getting lipstick on, then next thing you know SH and I are kissing each other again. Lipstick back on, kissing again. And repeat a few more times. At that point, I ix-nayed the lipstick because it just wound up on his lips. My lips are still sensitive from kissing him.

I hope he thinks about me from time to time. I hope that I'll be able to see him again the next time he's in New York or if I ever travel to San Diego.

Into the Blue

Last night, I was walking home during the major downpour, and it was rather peaceful. There was a moment where I my mind just slowed down even as I was walking quickly towards my apartment. I can feel that there's something changing in me. Something beyond Neptune trine Mercury. I welcome this change in myself.

I'm still hoping that I will be able tell J about my thoughts regarding sex and whatnot. I think that's what's driven me up the wall more than anything is that I haven't been able to express that. I want him to know that I didn't want that night to define what sex was like with me, that I don't want my lack of experience to define what I'm like. After all, despite the fact that I didn't come, he was good with it. I just wished that we had more time for foreplay. I also want him to know that I'm serious about exploring D/s and possible bondage. There's something that's very exciting about a man tying my hands up and having his way with me or receiving a call or a text telling me to wear for him or be in a certain way when he comes over or smacking me if I've been bad (I think that's why I like Maya Banks's books so much). Of course my fear is that he won't be responsive, and then what? I'm back to square one. I'm totally fine with just having sex with him, but at the same time I'd hope that he'd let me have the opportunity to be in a vulnerable place. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. There's something pretty accurate about me as a Gemini woman: I love the idea of sex, especially in books/movies/etc., but I'm not really going to go out of my way looking for sex. Then there's the Mars in Scorpio which makes me very kinky.

I've decided to name my piece "Into the Blue". It just seems to fit.

I am so glad that I got a chance to talk to R about the situation. She definitely put me at ease with the whole situation. Now, I'm not so freaked out about making sure that I don't do anything wrong. I know that when I talk to him, I definitely need to just come straight out with him about the fact that I'm not experienced (though I'm sure he's more than aware of that), but that I am hoping to grow sexually with him guiding me. After all, I'm not completely insipid when it comes to sex, but I feel like there was more that could've gone on that night in terms of mutual pleasure. I'm just going to chill out.

I'm so excited for my new piece. It's slow coming, but I like what it is evolving into. My only apprehension is that I don't want to present it to the people in the workshop while it's in progress. It's a very personal piece, and I feel like I need to be in a setting where I can truly be in a vulnerable place.

There are times when I feel like I'm trapped inside my head. Negativity and insecurity are in the forefront, and I often wonder why I'm incapable of normal relationships. Since losing my best friend, I haven't really had an outlet to be sad lately. I want to allow myself to be in a place of true vulnerability, not in my dance, but in a personal level. I want to be in a place where I can be "OFF" in front of my peers. It's exhausting being "ON" all the time, but I don't know how to be anything else. It doesn't help that while I do want to show my vulnerability, I don't want to deal with the reaction to that (How ironic is it that I'm in a profession where I'd have to be vulnerable as a performer?). I'm still reading the books, and everything makes so much sense. I can feel that my first and second Chakras are so deficient that I'm often trapped in the sixth Chakra. I've often found myself playing out conversations in my head, trapped in my imagination. Not focusing on the reality and what is. Questioning my place in this world, and doubting whether or not I'm worthy of just being.

I am approaching this thing with J so cautiously. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing that would consider me a turn off to him. At the same time, I don't want to be the people-pleaser, the person who says "Oh, it's okay. I understand. It's fine." I still struggle to tell myself that it's okay to be selfish and to have needs and wants and desires, but I don't want to be that nag who's constantly on him about what I want. I think right now, what I want is to know is the status of what we have. Are we just having sex? Are we casually dating and having sex? Was it a one-time thing and now he's done? I guess we need to have the talk about honesty between us. That will be the most important thing.

Neptune Trine Mercury

There's a spiritual change going on in my life. It had been happening for the past few months, but I had never been sure as to what my path is. I had felt like that the Universe was at work far more than I was willing to admit, but I couldn't pinpoint where to go for the possible answers. I think the it actually hit me was seeing the photos from the shoot in Jersey. Normally, I'd cringe at seeing myself in photos, but when I saw the images, I had felt like Rob had captured something that was just beyond a nude woman modeling in the woods. It was so hard to describe what it was, but it was magic. It all came together.

On my way to the photo shoot on Sunday, I had told K, about my shift in spirituality. She recommended Eastern Body, Western Mind, and it has been a godsend. It was exactly the resource that I need to get my life in gear.

Once I've Had Something Good...

I want more of it. I really want J to come over and fuck me. I want to play and discover what turns him on. I want him to discover what turns me on. The first night was just cut way too short. I hope he wasn't disappointed with me though. I know that he came. While I didn't come, it was more about the journey than the destination. I have more to learn, and I want to learn more...

"When I Look At You" - Emalkay

What do I think about when I listen to that song? Sex. Pure unadulterated, rough and tumble, hair pulling, scratches down the back sex. I love the rawness of the beat and the desperation in the vocal of "When I Look At You". Every time I listen to it, I just want to thrash around and just lose myself to the music. Well, I do that with every song I'm into, but this song is just so wild and crazy, and I love it. I don't think I could ever contain this song to some choreography. It would definitely overpower me instead of me taking command of it.

Jeez...

What a day of highs and lows. I went out with J tonight. I knew from the start that it was just for sex, and I didn't mind that at all. It's a mutual understanding between two consenting adults. Well, it was also my first time having sex. I knew it wasn't going to be this earth-shattering, completely romantic and orgasmic experience. It was fine. Little sore, and unfortunately, it was a one time thing (only one condom and he got sick). It was just weird because I kept thinking that it was Friday. He wanted to come to my apartment, but I'm not having that at all. Not until I've cleaned up.

On the downside, it looks like my friendship with M is over. Turns out that he's still in love with me, and he can't handle the fact that I've been intimate with someone else. It's so frustrating to learn because it had been three years since we were together, and even though he was seeing someone else, he had these feelings for me. I don't even understand. It sucks so much because he's my best friend. I've always confided in him. He's the first person I share my joys and sorrows with, and I've lost that. I guess it's something that just needs time.

Aidys Girl's A Computer

I had heard this song by Darkstar over a year ago, and I had been waiting forever for it to come out. Now that I finally have it, I realize that it's such a powerful piece of music. When I hear it, I feel this overwhelming sense of beauty and grace. It's blissful. Kode9 said in an interview that he tends to like music that is very melancholy, but it's amazing how uplifting the songs could be. "Aidys Girl's a Computer" is like that for me. I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state when I listen to it, and I feel like I'm floating every time I dance to it. After "The Only Choice", this is going to be my next project.

I can sense the character forming already. She isn't someone in the dream state, but she is the dream. She represents the innocence and beauty being in a dream state. I'm so excited to do this, even if it's never seen.

First Entry

Something in me called to create this journal. I guess Neptune is seriously at work right now. I don't know what it will be about. I guess, it will be about musings as a dancer and choreographer, random thoughts, explorations of myself as a person.

Hopefully, I'll be able to maintain this. The Pisces Moon in me tends to not finish things that I've started. We'll see.