There are times when I feel like I'm trapped inside my head. Negativity and insecurity are in the forefront, and I often wonder why I'm incapable of normal relationships. Since losing my best friend, I haven't really had an outlet to be sad lately. I want to allow myself to be in a place of true vulnerability, not in my dance, but in a personal level. I want to be in a place where I can be "OFF" in front of my peers. It's exhausting being "ON" all the time, but I don't know how to be anything else. It doesn't help that while I do want to show my vulnerability, I don't want to deal with the reaction to that (How ironic is it that I'm in a profession where I'd have to be vulnerable as a performer?). I'm still reading the books, and everything makes so much sense. I can feel that my first and second Chakras are so deficient that I'm often trapped in the sixth Chakra. I've often found myself playing out conversations in my head, trapped in my imagination. Not focusing on the reality and what is. Questioning my place in this world, and doubting whether or not I'm worthy of just being.

I am approaching this thing with J so cautiously. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing that would consider me a turn off to him. At the same time, I don't want to be the people-pleaser, the person who says "Oh, it's okay. I understand. It's fine." I still struggle to tell myself that it's okay to be selfish and to have needs and wants and desires, but I don't want to be that nag who's constantly on him about what I want. I think right now, what I want is to know is the status of what we have. Are we just having sex? Are we casually dating and having sex? Was it a one-time thing and now he's done? I guess we need to have the talk about honesty between us. That will be the most important thing.