Into the Blue

Last night, I was walking home during the major downpour, and it was rather peaceful. There was a moment where I my mind just slowed down even as I was walking quickly towards my apartment. I can feel that there's something changing in me. Something beyond Neptune trine Mercury. I welcome this change in myself.

I'm still hoping that I will be able tell J about my thoughts regarding sex and whatnot. I think that's what's driven me up the wall more than anything is that I haven't been able to express that. I want him to know that I didn't want that night to define what sex was like with me, that I don't want my lack of experience to define what I'm like. After all, despite the fact that I didn't come, he was good with it. I just wished that we had more time for foreplay. I also want him to know that I'm serious about exploring D/s and possible bondage. There's something that's very exciting about a man tying my hands up and having his way with me or receiving a call or a text telling me to wear for him or be in a certain way when he comes over or smacking me if I've been bad (I think that's why I like Maya Banks's books so much). Of course my fear is that he won't be responsive, and then what? I'm back to square one. I'm totally fine with just having sex with him, but at the same time I'd hope that he'd let me have the opportunity to be in a vulnerable place. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. There's something pretty accurate about me as a Gemini woman: I love the idea of sex, especially in books/movies/etc., but I'm not really going to go out of my way looking for sex. Then there's the Mars in Scorpio which makes me very kinky.

I've decided to name my piece "Into the Blue". It just seems to fit.

I am so glad that I got a chance to talk to R about the situation. She definitely put me at ease with the whole situation. Now, I'm not so freaked out about making sure that I don't do anything wrong. I know that when I talk to him, I definitely need to just come straight out with him about the fact that I'm not experienced (though I'm sure he's more than aware of that), but that I am hoping to grow sexually with him guiding me. After all, I'm not completely insipid when it comes to sex, but I feel like there was more that could've gone on that night in terms of mutual pleasure. I'm just going to chill out.

I'm so excited for my new piece. It's slow coming, but I like what it is evolving into. My only apprehension is that I don't want to present it to the people in the workshop while it's in progress. It's a very personal piece, and I feel like I need to be in a setting where I can truly be in a vulnerable place.

There are times when I feel like I'm trapped inside my head. Negativity and insecurity are in the forefront, and I often wonder why I'm incapable of normal relationships. Since losing my best friend, I haven't really had an outlet to be sad lately. I want to allow myself to be in a place of true vulnerability, not in my dance, but in a personal level. I want to be in a place where I can be "OFF" in front of my peers. It's exhausting being "ON" all the time, but I don't know how to be anything else. It doesn't help that while I do want to show my vulnerability, I don't want to deal with the reaction to that (How ironic is it that I'm in a profession where I'd have to be vulnerable as a performer?). I'm still reading the books, and everything makes so much sense. I can feel that my first and second Chakras are so deficient that I'm often trapped in the sixth Chakra. I've often found myself playing out conversations in my head, trapped in my imagination. Not focusing on the reality and what is. Questioning my place in this world, and doubting whether or not I'm worthy of just being.

I am approaching this thing with J so cautiously. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing that would consider me a turn off to him. At the same time, I don't want to be the people-pleaser, the person who says "Oh, it's okay. I understand. It's fine." I still struggle to tell myself that it's okay to be selfish and to have needs and wants and desires, but I don't want to be that nag who's constantly on him about what I want. I think right now, what I want is to know is the status of what we have. Are we just having sex? Are we casually dating and having sex? Was it a one-time thing and now he's done? I guess we need to have the talk about honesty between us. That will be the most important thing.

Neptune Trine Mercury

There's a spiritual change going on in my life. It had been happening for the past few months, but I had never been sure as to what my path is. I had felt like that the Universe was at work far more than I was willing to admit, but I couldn't pinpoint where to go for the possible answers. I think the it actually hit me was seeing the photos from the shoot in Jersey. Normally, I'd cringe at seeing myself in photos, but when I saw the images, I had felt like Rob had captured something that was just beyond a nude woman modeling in the woods. It was so hard to describe what it was, but it was magic. It all came together.

On my way to the photo shoot on Sunday, I had told K, about my shift in spirituality. She recommended Eastern Body, Western Mind, and it has been a godsend. It was exactly the resource that I need to get my life in gear.

Once I've Had Something Good...

I want more of it. I really want J to come over and fuck me. I want to play and discover what turns him on. I want him to discover what turns me on. The first night was just cut way too short. I hope he wasn't disappointed with me though. I know that he came. While I didn't come, it was more about the journey than the destination. I have more to learn, and I want to learn more...

"When I Look At You" - Emalkay

What do I think about when I listen to that song? Sex. Pure unadulterated, rough and tumble, hair pulling, scratches down the back sex. I love the rawness of the beat and the desperation in the vocal of "When I Look At You". Every time I listen to it, I just want to thrash around and just lose myself to the music. Well, I do that with every song I'm into, but this song is just so wild and crazy, and I love it. I don't think I could ever contain this song to some choreography. It would definitely overpower me instead of me taking command of it.

Jeez...

What a day of highs and lows. I went out with J tonight. I knew from the start that it was just for sex, and I didn't mind that at all. It's a mutual understanding between two consenting adults. Well, it was also my first time having sex. I knew it wasn't going to be this earth-shattering, completely romantic and orgasmic experience. It was fine. Little sore, and unfortunately, it was a one time thing (only one condom and he got sick). It was just weird because I kept thinking that it was Friday. He wanted to come to my apartment, but I'm not having that at all. Not until I've cleaned up.

On the downside, it looks like my friendship with M is over. Turns out that he's still in love with me, and he can't handle the fact that I've been intimate with someone else. It's so frustrating to learn because it had been three years since we were together, and even though he was seeing someone else, he had these feelings for me. I don't even understand. It sucks so much because he's my best friend. I've always confided in him. He's the first person I share my joys and sorrows with, and I've lost that. I guess it's something that just needs time.

Aidys Girl's A Computer

I had heard this song by Darkstar over a year ago, and I had been waiting forever for it to come out. Now that I finally have it, I realize that it's such a powerful piece of music. When I hear it, I feel this overwhelming sense of beauty and grace. It's blissful. Kode9 said in an interview that he tends to like music that is very melancholy, but it's amazing how uplifting the songs could be. "Aidys Girl's a Computer" is like that for me. I feel like I'm in a dreamlike state when I listen to it, and I feel like I'm floating every time I dance to it. After "The Only Choice", this is going to be my next project.

I can sense the character forming already. She isn't someone in the dream state, but she is the dream. She represents the innocence and beauty being in a dream state. I'm so excited to do this, even if it's never seen.

First Entry

Something in me called to create this journal. I guess Neptune is seriously at work right now. I don't know what it will be about. I guess, it will be about musings as a dancer and choreographer, random thoughts, explorations of myself as a person.

Hopefully, I'll be able to maintain this. The Pisces Moon in me tends to not finish things that I've started. We'll see.